Saving Up By Bleeding

As a kid, I used to wonder why the highest quality products always cost the most money. I used to wonder if the old saying was true that "You get what you pay for". Why is an Egyptian cotton shirt so expensive? Why are the highest megapixel cameras the most expensive? Why do the items that are most durable cost the most money? It's all about craftsmanship and supply and demand.

Everybody wants the best stuff out there, but there's a limited amount of it, so the prices go higher, since suppliers want to maximize their profits. And it obviously takes more time, more stitching, more material, and more craftsmanship to manufacture the best clothes. And it takes more resources, more research and development to create the best visual modules. So if you want the best, you have to work for it. To earn it.

And it's the same in relationships, unfortunately. There are a limited number of amazing, talented beautiful people out there. And everybody wants the best quality. So the price goes higher and they're the most expensive. Of course, the capital involved in the transaction isn't money. It's soul. It's heart. And let's be keep it real -- looks, style, and charisma. It's the very quality of the person making the "purchase".

I've often found that I like myself better when I'm not in a relationship. I've never really understood why that is. Relationships require commitment, and I'm an honest guy so I never cheat or lie and I strive to treat the other person right. But somtimees those actions themselves make me feel like I'm not being true to myself. Or something like that.

I made myself stay single for a long time when I first came to NYC. I didn't date and certainly didn't get involved with anyone. I was looking for myself. Hurting. Being lonely. On purpose. I didn't even want a TV to distract myself. I wanted to work, to work out, to write and play music, to read, to learn, to experience life. To bleed. And, boy, did I bleed. I was lonely, and homesick. But I worked hard. And I played hard. And I lived life hard. And I succeeded in finding who I was. And I liked that.

But I obviously started dating again. And I got into relationships. A couple serious relationships. And sometimes those feelings of non-truth to myself would creep back in. And, obviously the relationships ended. Sometimes I wonder if I always know from the start that the relationship is doomed. Is it because one of the party hasn't paid the price? Because there's some sort of inequity in the relationshp? The transaction isn't economical enough?

I hate to make it sound like I see relationships in an economic sense. I don't. But I know from recent experiences, that I'd spent too much of my soul, of my blood, of my essence on women who weren't right for me. And that's the point of this post, I guess. That sometimes you have to rebuild those internal assets so that you can make the purchase when the right one comes along.

Save up. And bleed.