Feelings, Analysis, and Facts

Now they come, and they want answers,
I find I forgot that I had some questions -- The Cody Show

As much as I write, and with as many unconventional views and about as many topics as I cover between this blog, RealMoney.com, VON Magazine and the other outlets -- I expose a whole lot of my innermost thoughts, feelings, and analysis from all kinds of fronts.

Depending on the topic, I might have extremely strong opinions -- heck, sometimes I'll consider my unconventional take on something as "fact", such as that socialism is, by its nature, based on violence.

Other times especially on this blog, I'm just thinking or feeling outloud. When I write that I feel like I needed to bleed to rebuild my assets to be able to even try to be in a healthy relationship, I'm just feeling outloud. And when I write about striving/wondering for warriorship, I'm thinking outloud, questioning how I'd fit in during another time in another place. I simply wonder how my character and my essence would carry at other points of time on this planet and so I wrote about it.

I bring all this up, because I get really upset by some of the feedback I get sometimes from my posts. Starting just about at the time that a reader posted in the comments section that "you deserved to have your throat cut", I think I started getting more sensitive about the negative feedback.

Nobody forces me to write about what this one particular guy, who has come to live in NYC by himself from a tiny town in NM, is feeling and viewing his personal life. Sometimes I think I maybe should just stick to the politics and social commentary on the blog.

But I used to find expressing my feelings on here to be therapeutic. Similarly, lately, I've noticed that I haven't been making many jokes in my commentary on here (or on RealMoney lately either for that matter). And I consciously have been writing a lot about my emotions on here lately, almost as a matter of overcompensating for wanting to stop writing about my emotions.

It's impossible for my mood not to come out in my writings. At one point this summer, I had some flashbacks to some things I'd been pretending that I hadn't seen on 9/11. For a while every time I tried to sleep, my mind would be barraged by memories of seeing civilians coming to horrific ends. I spent a lot of energy this summer dealing with these issues. My writing has been obviously colored by some of those emotions. But writing about some of the feelings ancillary to the emotions that the flashbacks brought out was, for a time, helpful to my psyche.

But lately, I'm just sick of being bashed for my feelings. I like arguing about stocks, markets, politics, and what not -- and I welcome the discussions that my often upopular stance on those topics brings out. But when I open up and wonder about whether my actions on 9/11 were warrior-like or not, and I get attacked for that writing -- well, it's just demoralizing and depressing.

And for the record, I'm just thinking and feeling outloud here about thinking and feeling outloud here.